This was my write-up from when we officially began our courtship back in July 2006. — Curtis
Have you ever noticed that sometimes the best things come when you least expect them? Or maybe it’s a cliche’ for you. Here I was six months ago, minding my own business, trying to get through Medical School and help out with church ministries however I could. The idea of dating and courtship had been almost totally extinguished the prior summer. All of the girls I had ever been interested in turned out to be really poor matches for me. However, the way I reached this conclusion about the last girl a year ago turned out to be a huge embarassment and probably the biggest social flop I’ve ever made. “That’s quite enough for me,” I had decided, still reeling from it months later.
Here’s the thing. I don’t date around. If I’m going to date anyone, it’s going to be with the understanding that we are evaluating each other as potential life partners. I believe anything less is selling one’s self short. Many think that the way to find a happy marriage is to pretend you’re married to someone, sex and all, and, hey, if it doesn’t work, you’re outta there. This is little better than practicing for divorce. I’d rather stay single and be lonely than to have a marriage end that way.
Courtship is what I prefer to call the dating system I am using. It’s when two people observe each other from a distance for a time, in group settings and working on projects together, building a solid friendship in the process. Then, if there seems to be a commonality in beliefs, goals, and ideals; there is some level of attraction beyond the mere physical appearances; and the two personalities complement and balance each other, then the two agree to enter a courtship. During this time, they carefully evaluate each other, leaving physical intimacy aside and focusing instead on the intellectual, social, and emotional, asking questions to probe into how they think and work, and observing how they act in all of the situations and stresses of life. It is an investigative activity, rather than something that provides gratification of the flesh and a “just for fun” altering of one’s social status.
Well, I could go on, but I should return to my story. Suffice it to say that there is a distinct difference between dating and courting. Though it may seem old-fashioned, I believe the courtship process is a far superior way to determine compatibility. Such heightened care — some would call it paranoia — is all the more important in today’s society where over half of all marriages end in divorce within the first 10 years.
Anyway, there I was minding my own business, thinking that if I ever was going to meet someone, it would not happen in Southern California. And since I’m committed to being here for a minimum of three more years, courtship and marriage seemed a long way off. On top of that, I really needed to get through my second year of Medical School, and I could not afford to be distracted by a relationship.
So, when I received an email from Janine, a friend I had known for the last 11/2 years, asking how to respond to a family member who had asked her some questions about the Mosaic Sanctuary, I thought nothing of it. I would respond as best as I could and keep moving on. We exchanged emails about it a few times and finally agreed to discuss her situation in person at an upcoming church function. As we were talking and a third person had joined the discussion, it suddenly dawned on me that A) she was available, B) she probably had what I was looking for, and C) she might, just might be interested in me. “But no,” I thought, “not now.” I couldn’t afford anything more than a casual friendship.”
A few weeks later at a convention over the New Year’s holiday, we shared a little more about our backgrounds and I got to meet her mother. I concluded that she was probably interested. However, I was determined not to go there, and I still wasn’t sure if she was someone worth courting in the first place.
I was busier than ever over the next few months, but I greeted her when I saw her at church, and we exchanged a few more emails on random topics. I went through three phases during this time. First was the “I’m not interested” phase, where I somewhat easily avoided her. Second was the “I shouldn’t be interested” phase, where avoidance for some reason had gotten harder. I was praying more and more throughout this time, usually something like, “Lord, if you’re leading please make it clear. But help me to focus on my studies.” Then one day over Spring Break (which I had stayed in town for, due to my studies), my church group went on an afternoon hike. Somehow, even though there were probably forty people in our group, the two of us ended up hiking together. Here was our first real heart-to-heart conversation. By the time we got back down the mountain and were heading home, I had gone from “I shouldn’t be interested,” to, “yes, I’m definitely interested.”
Then followed a three month period, April through June, which is sort of difficult to put a label on. We weren’t courting yet, but it was becoming harder and harder to say with a straight face, “we’re just friends.” It really came at the right time for us, because she was on vacation from teaching for a few weeks, so she had time to think and pray about things. I had also entered a much lighter schedule due to an unforseen change in my educational plans (yes, I’m still in Medical School). The biggest question on my mind at this point was, “Is she safe to court? Who is this girl?” Over the next two or three weeks, I asked her on some walks together, and we shared a meal or two. I asked many carefully crafted questions, trying to rule her out. The difficult thing was that she kept giving all the right answers! With every conversation, I was more and more deeply impressed with who she is, that we would be very equally yoked spiritually, and that our future plans and goals are compatible.
I spoke with her mother to see if she approved of our spending time together. Not only did she approve, but she had been impressed way back in December that I might be good for Janine! She had been praying for us the whole time since then. Over the next two months, I learned that seven people who knew one or both of us well, had been impressed about the same thing, and long before we were talking. Seven!?! Before we had even noticed each other!?! There were also dozens more who expressed strong approval when asked about us. There was not one word of disapproval from anyone. This was all very encouraging to me, because it has never happened this way with any other girl. “In the multitude of counselors there is safety” (Prov. 11:14). This is especially important in courtship and marriage, because emotions very easily can block one’s objectivity.
I felt a little bad about not proceeding with courship sooner. If we had done things “by the book”, I suppose I would have spoken with her mother and made things official shortly after Spring Break. Perhaps the more common dating model which we had grown up with was still with us subconsciously. Perhaps we were making up for lost time and wanting to solidify a friendship first. Nevertheless, a relationship was blossoming.
The last test before I asked her about courtship came in the month of June. I knew I would be visiting friends and family out East during that month, and I wanted to see which way our relationship would go if the only contact we had was through telephone and email. We ended up having spoken on the phone more than we had ever spent talking in person! I then felt ready to take the next step.
Before I left California, we realized that she would be able to take vacation from work over the week leading up to the 4th of July. I arranged it so she could fly out to meet me, and we would accompany my family on a vacation at their lakeside cabin in northern Iowa. Before I left California, I had also obtained permission from her mother to initiate a courtship. On the first night after we arrived at the lake, my parents conveniently (and unknown to them what my plans were) left us alone at dusk sitting on the dock. We were silent for a little while. I asked her how she was feeling and what she was thinking. “What do you think about getting rid of one of those if’s that we’ve been mentioning?” I asked. She knew exactly what I was asking. “Yes,” she nodded, without hesitation.
And so it is, that for the first time in seven years, I have lost my singlehood. Praise God! I don’t know what the future holds, and this is not a guarantee that I will marry her some day, but this is the greatest progress I’ve ever seen toward that end. Please pray for us.
